This post has been coming for a while, but I haven't had time to write it. I started planning for Christmas presents this last month. We want to try to stay away from inside toys and electronics, though I am sure there will be a few of them. As I was thinking about it, I realized that this is the first Christmas in my whole life that I will not get a check from Grammy and Grampy. Now I know that that might seem greedy and selfish. All I am thinking about is the money. It's not about the money. Though that $50 check did pay bills a lot of the Christmas' in my adult life. It is about that last tether that held me to the past. That last thing that let me pretend that it was all still the same.
Grampy died after Christmas 2008. That was my last 'normal' Christmas. I say normal because really it was an after Christmas, Christmas in Texas. We had recently moved to Oregon and couldn't be there on Christmas day. I didn't go to Christmas at Grammy's the next year because none of us could handle him not being here. I really regret that now. It was selfish. How that must have made Grammy feel. She was already alone and then her kids didn't come. Then that February she broke her back and was in bed the rest of her life. While we were in London, she finally found peace and left this world.
Even though Christmas wasn't the same, I could pretend they were still there. We just missed it. I mean they still sent a check. Everyone still celebrated, it was just one of those years where we couldn't make it due to life. I know it isn't true, but I could pretend. I could not deal with it. Those years didn't have to be completely over. Now it is over. There is no going back. That season has completely passed. Now I have to figure out how to be ok with that because right now, I'm not.
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