Do all the things

We are suffering from exhaustion in this house.  Two months in London of go, go, go, and see all the things.  We literally went almost every day we were there.  Only a few days at our apartment.  The apartment was so small that it made it hard to stay home.  That doesn't even mention just the sheer exhaustion that you get from a long flight like that. 

Then we got home in late September.  Everything was already in full swing, so there was no break.  We went straight into soccer at least 2 nights a week, baseball at least 2 nights a week, both co-ops back in full swing, plus needing to get back to 'real' school.  We had basically unschooled while we were in London.  There has been no break for the last three months and we can all feel it. 

Couple this with the work that I have been doing with Celebrate calm in order to help me.  One of the objectives of this program is to un-busy our lives enough that we actually have time to relax and stop the pattern of anxiety.  Anxiety is almost like an addiction.  You get so used to the busy schedule and feeling anxious all the time that you almost need it to feel ok.  The goal is to remove certain things that aren't as important in order to give everyone the time they need to feel good and get out of this cycle.  

So we are making our list and discussing everything that we do.  The problem is that everything has value.  Horse club, the symphony, the plays, play dates, etc, etc.  As I say we can get rid of this thing (whatever it is), I start to feel super guilty that I am taking away things that the kids need.  When you both homeschool and parent, there is no one else to blame when your kids become screwed up or don't know something.  As a result (at least for me), I am always second guessing and always 'researching' something that they want to know about or to make sure we are on the right track.  Letting go is proving quite difficult.   (Guilt is another thing to tackle as part of the celebrate calm program, but that's another week or month or year). 

Luckily, our bodies gave out on us last week and forced us to cancel activities and say no.  Unluckily, we all had a stomach bug which was terrible.  You know what though?  The world didn't end when we didn't go to horse club or co-op or horseback lesson or baseball lesson.  I'm amazed, but it didn't.  We rested and the kids read and watched movies (some educational, some not) and we did some work, but slowly.  Actually we got through a lot of work even though we were going super slow and in small bits.  We've continued the trend this week.  Today we were supposed to go to the symphony.  I'd already paid for it.  The kids woke up this morning and didn't want to go.  They wanted to stay home and hang out.  Do you know what happened?  They ended up playing from about 11:30 until just a minute ago.  Together. Without fighting. An elaborate imaginative game.  Part of me was upset that we lost the experience of the symphony which is good and in my mind needed for them to experience.  The other part wants to remember this.  Wants to remember that it is ok to say no.  That sometimes saying no and staying home is just what we need.  The kids need all of these beautiful experiences and to see their friends, but they also need to know how to relax and just be home.  

For friends that hear me say no or step back a bit in the rush to the holidays, it isn't that we don't want to hang with you, we do.  We are just going to try to put as much value on our downtime as we do on all the wonderful experiences that we have. 

Dinosaur Valley State Park

This past weekend we went on a camp out with our homeschooling co-op to Dinosaur Valley State park.  Mom and Dad parked the camper there for us on Thursday, so all we had to do was show up.  (Very nice!!! Thank you Mom and Dad!)  Brooke and Caleb spent most of their time playing with friends. (Thank you to the Clays and Menzies for putting up with them!)  Clare makes it a bit difficult to be too far from the camper.  You are either carrying her or you have forgotten something she needs immediately!

On Saturday, one of the park rangers gave us a tour of the tracks with a short discussion of what could be found at this park.

Therapod (I forgot specific dinosaur) foot print abo. 113million years old

Some of our group looking at the Therapod footprint.

Our group being a Sauropod ankle. (Again, I forgot the specific dinosaur).

At one point, we lost a few of the kiddos.  Will found them in this cave.  The park is very cool because you can really see the different rock layers.  There are a number of very solid limestone layers, but in between there are very soft silt and sandstone layers.  As erosion happens, the soft layers go away, but the hard limestone layers are there above and below creating some pretty cool overhangs and caves to hide in.  

 

After the tour, Brooke, Caleb, and I went exploring.  We found this.  The ranger told us that this is tube worms.  Not the tube worms exactly, but the tunnels they dug.  Some of the tunnels have segmentation that looks like the tube worms.  This is likely because one died at that spot.  She dated this around 113 million years old.  

The river is very nice and spring fed like the Frio, but so much closer.  This might have to become a go to spot for my family.

Just a pretty picture of my red by the river.  

Clare wanted to be just like her Brooke and be a fire bug.  It was only slightly terrifying.

After staying up well past 10 the whole weekend, they all passed out on the way home.  Not the best picture, but you can tell that I have a full and tired backseat.

Changing seasons

This post has been coming for a while, but I haven't had time to write it.  I started planning for Christmas presents this last month.  We want to try to stay away from inside toys and electronics, though I am sure there will be a few of them.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that this is the first Christmas in my whole life that I will not get a check from Grammy and Grampy.  Now I know that that might seem greedy and selfish.  All I am thinking about is the money.  It's not about the money.  Though that $50 check did pay bills a lot of the Christmas' in my adult life.  It is about that last tether that held me to the past.  That last thing that let me pretend that it was all still the same.

Grampy died after Christmas 2008.  That was my last 'normal' Christmas.  I say normal because really it was an after Christmas, Christmas in Texas.  We had recently moved to Oregon and couldn't be there on Christmas day.  I didn't go to Christmas at Grammy's the next year because none of us could handle him not being here.  I really regret that now.  It was selfish.  How that must have made Grammy feel.  She was already alone and then her kids didn't come.  Then that February she broke her back and was in bed the rest of her life.  While we were in London, she finally found peace and left this world.

Even though Christmas wasn't the same, I could pretend they were still there.  We just missed it.  I mean they still sent a check.  Everyone still celebrated, it was just one of those years where we couldn't make it due to life.  I know it isn't true, but I could pretend.  I could not deal with it.  Those years didn't have to be completely over.  Now it is over.  There is no going back.  That season has completely passed.  Now I have to figure out how to be ok with that because right now, I'm not.

London Post 5: Harry Potter Walk part 1

There are many places where you can take a guided tour of London, but I didn't want to be in a rush.  Oh! I also have 3 kids (yes 3!) and I didn't want to pay money only to have a meltdown and get nothing out of it.  I found a self paced walk at this website http://www.the-magician.co.uk.  The directions are very good and though we are only about 1/4 of the way through, it has been a lot of fun.  We may go through a few more pages tomorrow. 

First stop was the Leicester (pronounced LI-ster) Square underground station.  This station can be seen in the opening seen of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince when the Death Eaters swoop down over Trafalgar square according to the directions.  I don't have the movies with us, so can confirm. 

Next stop, Honeyduke's or in the Muggle world Hardy's Original sweet shop.  The highlight of the tour as we were able to buy Chocolate frogs and every flavor beans.  More to come on that one.

Goodwin's Court - Could this be the entrance to Diagon alley? Or possibly the street in Diagon alley that sold the dark arts stuff (can't think of it right now.)  Brooke and Caleb thought it looked very dark and that we might be able to find a shop that sold dark artifacts. 

Time for lunch!  A little taste of home!!! 

We must examine all of our treats from Honeyduke's.  We have wizard wands, fizzing wizbies, lemon drops, chocolate frogs, every flavor beans, and a gummy snake.  The chocolate frogs are the first to get consumed.  Caleb was rather disappointed because he received the lead singer of the band that played at the Yule ball.  Brooke received Madam Hooche which though not much better, still had Caleb wanting to go back (which we did the next day). 

Every flavor beans - yes every flavor.  Each back of the pack was slightly different.  I didn't realize this until Brooke told me after we had thrown them away.  This was Caleb's pack.  He couldn't wait to try and dug right in.  All was smooth sailing until he got a dog flavor one.  He spit it out and hasn't tried one since.  Brooke was too afraid to try after that.

Diagon Alley or the Muggle Cecil court.  This was an amazing little street.  We purchased gallion notes from a little stamp shop.  There was a book shop that claims to be the oldest seller of books on sorcery, astrology, etc which was perfect for the Harry Potter effect.  

We also saw the place where Ron, Harry and Hermione apparated after the Death Eaters crashed Fleur and Bill's wedding.  It was so cool, but I neglected to take pictures.  

From their we walked from Leicester square to Trafalgar square.  This is no short walk; at least few city blocks.  According to the site, due to construction for the Olympics the premier for the last installment of the deathly hallows couldn't happen in front of the Odeon theatre in Leicester square where all the others had.  Because of this, they ran a red carpet all the way from Trafalgar square to Leicester square. The speeches and promotions from the actors with fans surrounding all happened in Trafalgar square and then they walked to the theatre to see the premier.   

Below is Trafalgar square.  This is a big blue rooster.  Apparently it is new and many people don't like it.  It is gigantic and very out of place in the middle of all the wondrous sculptures and monuments.

Caleb riding one of the 4 gigantic lions at Trafalgar square.

Brooke riding a lion.  This was a huge accomplishment for Brooke.  The first time, she came back down scared and said that she didn't want to do it.  I knew she would be so disappointed in herself if she didn't do it.  I could tell she really, really wanted to.  I couldn't personally go up there and help because I had Clare in the stroller, but we talked about it.  I talked her up and we measured it in hands to make sure it wasn't much taller than her horses.  It took tears and all my little girl's courage, but she did it and she was so proud of herself.  Through tears she thanked me for helping her to do it once she had gotten back down. 

Obviously not Harry potter, but cool all the same.  We have been reading sherlock while we are here and they have a replica of the sitting room in the pub.  It was quite cool.

We also saw the entrance to the ministry of magic, but I didn't get a picture.  We were getting to be pretty done by this time of day and ready to get home.  We saw the door where they hid the ministry workers behind when they took polyjuice potion and went in to the ministry of magic to get the horcreaux off Umbridge.   We also saw where the phone booth was put up when Mr. Weasley took Harry in the visitors entrance for his trial for doing underage magic saving Dudley from the dementors. 

Back home and telling daddy about our day.  Of course, he has to try the every flavor beans.  I forget what he got, but it wasn't good.

Brooke finally got the courage to try one.  First she got toothpaste, which wasn't bad.  Then she got something very yucky.  From now on, she will only eat the blue ones because toothpaste is not too bad.

London post 4: Logistics (Warning a bit of a ramble)

We have finally moved to our apartment.  This is much better than the hotel.

We have more room and are all in the same area.  Brooke and Caleb were in a separate room across the hall at the hotel.  They were perfect, but this was quite a stress on me.  Once they were asleep it was hard to check on them.  The floors creaked and the door was loud!!

We have a refrigerator and full kitchen.  It isn't large.  The fridge is more like a dorm room fridge, but at least we can store milk and a few things.  I can also cook now which is so good.  We have food allergies in this family and have poisoned ourselves more than once with Gluten.  They tend to put bread crumbs in all of their sausages and hamburgers or meatball type things here.

Getting groceries does pose a bit of a problem.  You see I have a family of five and we eat a lot.  However, you can't fit much in a dorm room size fridge.  You also can't buy much at the store.  You have to carry everything home in small bags and the check out is not geared towards large purchases.  Basically this means a trip to the store every day to get something.  Not the most fun when you have three kids.

Laundry is a nightmare.  We have the tiniest little washer/dryer combination in the kitchen.  First, it holds next to nothing.  Second, it uses some condensation method of getting rid of the water and drying them which is ineffective at best and sucks greatly at worst.  The cycle takes 2 1/2 hours and you have to do most (even painfully small loads) twice.  Did I mention that I have a family of 5!!!  We also make a lot of dirty clothes.  Once I finally get caught up, I will try to just wash every day what we have worn the previous day.  It has taken me three days so far and I am not caught up though.  This is even with hanging up most shirts to dry.

Internet is much better hear too!  I can finally connect my phone to the internet and I can upload pictures to the blog.  This makes me feel so much more at home!

The apartment is still close to the tube station and has a bus stop right across the street.  We are walking a minimum of 2 miles everyday though.  (Hoping that I lose those last few pounds with all this walking.)  One day we all walked closer to 8 miles.  I was proud of my little people.  They didn't really complain and kept up!  They were just having so much fun.

We have taken the last few days in the apartment to just get settled, get some rest and get caught up.  We weren't really able to rest in the hotel.  We had to leave every morning in order for house keeping to take care of their business.  There was such little room that we didn't like being there for long either.  Everyone got a bit of cabin fever if we spent too long there.  We will get back to our travels tomorrow.

We also did a bit of pen and paper school this morning.  One of our co-op starts this week back home, so we are trying make sure that we keep up with at least the bare minimum of lessons.  The apartment has a living room area that made this easy.  We have been doing so much learning without pen and paper that it was a bit of shock to get back to a desk.  It only took a couple hours to get done what we needed to do though and then we were off to the park and of course the grocery store.

I have mentioned a couple of times that I have a family of five.  I am becoming increasingly aware that 5 is number that people are not really prepared for.  Everything is set up for a family of 4.  From eating situations to beds in a hotel or apartment. Even the canoe ride at Kew gardens was set up for 4 people, not five.  This becomes quite difficult when we are all together and trying to do activities.  Clare and I get left out to do our own thing or we end up waiting a bit longer.

Well that is my disjointed ramble to give you an idea of what life here is like for us.

London Post 3: Platform 9 3/4

King's Cross Station: Platform 9 3/4

We had an amazing time at King's Cross.  First stop, the gift shop.  We could not possibly take our pictures without our wands.  Caleb chose the Elder Wand and Brooke chose Ginny's wand.  Brooke identifies with Ginny.  She explained this to me before we left for London and has done quite the character analysis on her.  I was so glad that they had Ginny's wand.  

The shop was amazing.  It had a wall for Olivander's and then a book store.  I was tempted to buy a ton of books.  They had a few that I haven't seen in the US.  Magical creatures and where to find them, Quidditch through the ages, and the book about Dumbledore.  We had spent enough though on the the wands, so I didn't. 

 Time to wait in line for our turn at the Platform.  There were some people there that were VERY into it.  One guy was dressed as Dobby.  Complete with tea towel. :)  Nothing risqué but quite short.  

 Wands at the ready. 

 Our turn at the Platform.  My three little Gryffindors. 

 King's cross station from the outside.  It honestly doesn't look much like the movies.  It is more train staitiony.  The movies make it look majestic, but really it is just a nasty old train station with tons of people going about their business.  That doesn't make it any less cool, I promise.  

Since our trip, our wands have been required for most trips out of our hotel/apt.  The children are listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow's again (of their choosing) and are so excited when they hear a place that they have been or realize something new.    

London Part 2: The Tower of London and a laundry day

My 'real' camera apparently hates the fact that I use a Mac and will not download to my computer.  Additionally, my internet is painfully slow and I refuse to pay for bandwidth.  My posts will be light on pictures as a result.

We braved the tube for the first time!  All in all a really good experience.  Clare loved the choo choo train and really wanted to go on one again today.  By the end, Brooke was a pro at reading the subway map and letting me know where to we needed to get off.  One time she actually saved us.  I was talking to a lovely young couple from Louisiana who were backpacking across Europe and not paying attention.  Luckily Brooke was!  There is really only one problem with the tube.  Many if not most of the stations are not handicap accessible.  No lift or escalator.  I brought a stroller with me.  This meant one of three things.  Either lift the stroller Clare and all and climb the stairs, take Clare out, have her hold Brooke's or Caleb's hand, and me carry the stroller, or take clare out, fold the stroller and carry both Clare and stroller up the stairs.  Not only am I sore, but I look like I have been beaten.   My legs have so many bruises on them.  I am not sure how I will roll with the stroller tomorrow when we go out.  It was so nice to have it with us when we were not in the subway.  It meant that I didn't have Clare on my front or back.  But it was such a pain getting on and off trains.  We shall see.

We chose the Tower of London as our first outing.  It is a straight shot on the district line from Richmond upon Thames.  No train changes.  There is a Starbucks right outside, so I was able to get coffee and use internet on my phone for the first time since being here!  Then we had to go potty.  Guess what?  You have to pay to go potty!  50 pence a person to go potty!  It's like this on the tube too.  We had an awesome time at the Tower.  Brooke loved it and kept asking us to wait because she hadn't read something.  It was so awesome.  I wished my mom was there because her and Brooke would have had such an amazing time reading everything.  I, of course, didn't read much.  I was either preventing Caleb from crossing a rope or touching something that he wasn't supposed to or tending with Clare.  The kids got to pick up a real cross bow from the time and try on a helmet.  We have to go back to see the dungeon and the crown jewels, but I bought the membership.  It was only 10 pounds more and gets us in free to all the castles.

Then we had to find Whole Foods Market which is in Picadilly circus.  Unfortunately, the one in Richmond doesn't open until October.  Damn the luck!.  That was an adventure.  It was about 5 pm rush hour.  We had to switch a million trains.  People kept asking me if I needed help carrying the stroller up and down the stairs.  I must have looked pathetic!  I did let a few people once Clare fell asleep and I couldn't take her out of the stroller.  One guy traded me his phone and nice head phones while he carried Clare up the stairs.  At least that time, I knew she was safe.:)

All in all, a successful first outing.  The kids were exhausted though.  I had woken Caleb up at 8:30 am, but it was extremely difficult.  He would have slept until 11 I think.  They asked if we could just rest and stay close to the hotel today, so we did.

I still woke them up at 8:30 am and we went down to breakfast.  Clare has charmed the breakfast waitstaff.  She told one of the grandmotherly ones thank you after she had given her a napkin today and I thought the waitress might explode with joy at the cuteness of it.

Then we went swimming at the health club.  I met some American Ex Pats who were very helpful.  They let me join their group. They knew about better housing for us (we are currently in a hotel).  They also knew good babysitters in case we want to leave Clare and take Brooke and Caleb to see Les Mis.  I am not sure that I would do that anyway.  I might just take them and have Will keep Clare, but it was so nice to meet a familiar face and helping hand.

Back to the hotel for sandwiches and some Minecraft time.  I have been seriously depriving these children from their Minecraft time and they have been telling me about it.  Brooke even told me that she dreamt of Minecraft last night.  I do really wish that I could upload a picture right here.  Brooke and Caleb on their computers and Clare laying head on Caleb, feet on Brooke watching my iPad.  So cute.

Now to figure out the laundry and a cheaper method of eating with less risk of gluten exposure!  We found a laundry mat and all in all it was a good experience.  Laundry mats always piss me off because their dryers suck.  It is no different in London.  Luckily, we only took a small load because I wasn't sure of what I was doing.  Still it was an hour in the heat (yes I know I am complaining about 85 when its a million degrees back home), but there was no a/c and dryers running all around me.

Off to a store to buy my very first George Forman grill!  25 pounds and worth every penny.  I don't think we had gotten away for under 75 pounds any meal we had had since we had been here.  Tonight, I bought a grill, steaks, bananas, apples, chips, grapes, plates, water, wine, and a few other things for less than $50.  The kids said it was the best meal they had had (even though I overcooked the meat). So thankful that they like real food!

After dinner, they played a bit more Minecraft and I messed around on my computer.  Then off to the park.  I wore Clare on my back so that we could go down to the river Thames.  There are a bunch of stares leading down to a Grotto and tunnel under the street that we hadn't done with the stroller.  The stairs are super small and steep so it just didn't work with stroller.  Anyway, it was a magical time.  We loved the river.  There was a tree we found that had to be 5-6 feet across on the trunk.  There was another one that had been cut down.  The kids had a blast jumping on it.  Clare joined in the fun.  She was so cute chasing them around while they played their fighting game.  She even had her sword and attacked them.

Well that's our first two days in London.  Gonna get to bed!  We are either heading to Hyde park or Kings cross tomorrow depending on weather.

Traveling chaos: London part 1

Well, my finely planned adventure started off with a bang.  I had spent the two weeks that I had to plan our flights meticulously thinking through most possible needs and activities, making, lists, shopping, and packing accordingly.  Then we get to the airport.  First flight delayed until 8:33pm.  There's no way we will make our connection.  Plan - go to Minneapolis on Saturday night on the late flight and then fly to London on Sunday at 9:45.

Check our bags.

Go through security.  We have Clare's milk.  She is allergic to dairy, so we have to take almond milk. I declared it before we went through the metal detector and X-ray machine.  BUT - apparently, the amount of milk i had is a big issue, plus after going through metal detector, I had touched my bags (super no no).  SO We had to put ALL our luggage back through the x-ray.  This is no simple feat.  We have 4 back packs, a bag for milk, 5 laptops, a violin, oh and 3, yes 3 children.  Plus, i had to get a pat down.  It was loads of fun!

Dinner at TGI Fridays.  Never again.  We ordered off the gluten free menu.  However, they neglected to inform us that they didn't have what we ordered.  Brought us non- gluten free and then we had to fight to get something else.  They weren't going to, but weren't offering a discount either.  Didn't really matter cause the food wasn't very good.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Flight delayed til 10:00 pm.


Wait. Wait. Wait.

Flight canceled.

Re-book for 6:55 am next day.

Get hotel vouchers.

Pick up All our bags.  In addition to the carry on, we also have 5 other bags and a stroller to pick up.  Luggage cart.  Wait.  Shuttle to hotel.  Kids asleep at 10 ish.  Wake up at 3:30 am.  Shuttle to airport is a suburban.  I don't have a car seat.  Drive to airport with Clare buckled on my lap.  I was praying the whole time for no wrecks and admonishing myself for even letting this happen.  I blame it on 3 ish hours of sleep for me.



This morning actually went off pretty smoothly.  No issues with security.  Landed in Minneapolis.  We get to spend the entire day in the airport.  Our flight doesn't leave until 9:45 pm.  There were a couple of tense moments, but we made it on the plane.

The long flight went pretty good.  They neglected to transfer our gluten free requirements to our new flight, so we didn't get to eat much.  I had packed granola bars and they found us a few things.  Everyone did great on the plane until we landed.  Poor Caleb got air sick minutes before we deplaned and threw up.



Got to the Hotel and the are upgrading us tomorrow to bigger rooms.  We still have to be in two rooms, but they will be a bit bigger.  That is good.  Hopefully, we will have the long term housing figured out soon and not have to be in a hotel too long.

After getting checked in, we had lunch.  So far, it has not been very easy to eat gluten free (for sure) or our trip.  This was our only meal in London, so we will see how it goes.  It is going to be more expensive that I had initially hoped.  We have to have grilled meats and fresher vegetables.  Food cooked fresh seems to be much more expensive that battering it and frying it.

Right across from our hotel is the Terrace gardens.  After lunch, we walked down there.  There is a lovely cafe that sells gluten free stuff!!  The park has tons of trails and grass which the children really enjoyed.

After a brief rest at the hotel, I successfully navigated Richmond and found the Tesco.  I made my first purchase in London!!! Yeah!!  I was proud of myself because I also did this with 2 out of 3 kids by myself!!!!

Well, I am not sure what we will do tomorrow or how often I will post, but will try to do it as often as I can.

Happy F'n Birthday (and anniversary)

I'm sure that actually being 'real' and writing my feelings is a bad thing which will haunt me.  However, this is my blog and I guess if people don't like it don't read it.  I am tired.  I am tired of putting on the brave, happy face.  I am tired of pretending that everything is hunky dory in my beautiful suburban house.  It's not that things are bad.  It's not really anything in particular.  It's everything and nothing that can really be identified. It's just that I am tired.

Being a mother in the DFW area is a truly emotionally difficult thing.  Money is being thrown around everywhere.  Does your child have the iPad, the iPhone, Miss Me jeans, the right shoes, and on and on?  Is your child enrolled in enough activities?  Is he/she the best at baseball, soccer, girl/boy scouts, 4-H, music, school and on and on?  Most of the mom's that you meet at the play ground wear their busyness on their sleeve as a badge of honor.  Oh, I am just so busy.  Little *insert name*  here is doing blah, blah, blah, blah.  Well I don't want to be busy.  I don't want to wear busyness as a badge of honor.  I want to relax.  I want to enjoy my children and them not be exhausted.  But we keep getting sucked in.  So in so does this, I want to do this or have this.  If I say no, there is a tantrum, and I once again am the 'mean ol' mommy' that "never let's them do anything."  Fine.  I am an awful, mean mommy.

Oh, you homeschool?  Are they really learning?  Are they socialized enough?  Judgement.  It's not like I am not second guessing myself all the time anyway.  Am I doing the right thing?  Do we have the right curriculum? Are they 'learning' enough?  Would they be better off in school like the other 90-95% of the population?  Who knows?  Brooke has been struggling lately with her concentration issues again.  She gets frustrated and mad at me.  The ever repeated, "I don't know." I try to be patient.  I know it is hard for her to stay on task and not day dream.  I know it is hard for her to do things that she "doesn't want to do."  We have to complete it.  We have to learn something today.  Mommy raises her voice.  Once again, mean ol' mommy.  Mommy isn't patient enough.

So, mommy started a business.  I needed something that was just mine.  That I did for me and not for my kids.  It was a hard transition leaving the business world and 'just being a mom.'  I needed something to keep me sane.  But it is harder than I expected.  I feel guilty being away from the kids all day Fridays or going and making a call during lunch while Clare is napping or asking hubby to watch the kids.  When I quit work, the kids became my job and I feel like I'm not doing it.  Not to mention that I am not making any money yet, only spending it.  Mean ol' mommy.

I think it is just that there is so much pressure, so much doubt.  When I worked, I hated the way I was always in a rush and didn't get enough time with my kiddos, BUT I knew I was doing a good job.  I had instant feedback.  As a mom, you don't get any real positive feedback.  You get hugs and kisses and poop, but there isn't any assurance that you are actually doing the right/good thing.  You are constantly barraged with society that doubts you, kids that are mad at you, somebody needs you, etc.

Oh, I know that I chose this, so I have absolutely no right to complain.  AND I honestly do love it (most days.)  It's just that I am tired.  I want to live my life a certain way.  A calm, loving, non-materialistic way and it seems almost impossible.  Like I am swimming against the current...  I miss the slower pace of Oregon.  It wasn't the competitive sport that raising kids in DFW is.  Recycling, environmentalism, joy was more a way of life.  Oh, there were other struggles, don't get me wrong.  I don't miss not being around my family.  For that reason, I love being back home.

So, as I look on this birthday, I wonder if I am doing the right thing?  I wonder if I am who I want to be or am at least on a trajectory to that place.  I wonder what happened to my joy and why it seems to be being drown out by all the questions and busyness of DFW.  I wonder how to get it back on track and feel confident in the choices that I am making.  I wonder how to stare down 40 and Brooke in double digits and maintain the love and friendship of this 14 year marriage and have more fun and save money now that we are out of debt and how to stop wondering and just get on with living in my life in profound joy.

Don't worry, I am fine and like I said most days I am good.  I am however allowing myself to be melancholy and sad today.  I am allowing myself to throw a fit and pout.  It is after all my day.

Concentration Jewels

I haven't posted in quite some time and have a ton of catch up to do, but I am really excited about our concentration jewels.  Everyone loves them, even Clare.  I haven't been 'practicing' Imagination Yoga with my kiddos as much as I should.  You would think that I would make them do it all the time considering how much I believe in it.  The whole reason that I am doing this whole thing is to help children and spread kindness, calmness, love, and peace.  Somehow, I just never find the time to do it with my own babies.  I decided this week to try to change that and have been so successful!

Brooke just loves it and would do yoga with me for hours.  It is really good for her too as she has terrible trouble concentrating and staying on task.  She is as smart as a whip, but her mind wanders so easily.

Caleb begrudgingly does it with me, at least to start with.  After all the grumbles and do we have too's, he gets into it midway through.  He particularly liked the concentration jewels.  After he got up from his jewels today he commented on how is brain felt better.

Clare, oh my sweet Clare, is ADORABLE!!!  She sits down on the mat all throughout the day (not just when I am doing it with Brooke and Caleb) and takes her little breaths.  I tried to get a picture, but the iPhone will not allow it.  She moves way too fast.  I'll have to get the good camera out.  She absolutely loved the concentration jewels and was so impressed with herself.  I honestly cannot count the number of times today she got her stone and went and laid down.

something is horsey around here

Some girls like their hair done.  Some girls want stories read to them. Some girls want to talk constantly. What does my girl want to do with her 20 minutes of alone time?  You guessed it shop the brand spanking new Dover catalog!

We spent the evening pouring over the latest bridles, saddle pads, and blankets.  We discussed whether or not the cheapest item is actually the best item and what she absolutely needs soon.

I am amazed by how intuitively smart she is when it comes to most things.  As we were reviewing the saddle pads and comparing, her eye was caught by one that had a 'free' human jacket to go with it.  After reviewing it for a while, she says, "Look, they are just tricking you.  They just say that to get more money out of you."  I was a bit taken aback by her clever understanding of the situation.  She never ceases to amaze me.