Life after work: adventures in mommy land

Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy F'n Birthday (and anniversary)

I'm sure that actually being 'real' and writing my feelings is a bad thing which will haunt me. However, this is my blog and I guess if people don't like it don't read it. I am tired. I am tired of putting on the brave, happy face. I am tired of pretending that everything is hunky dory in my beautiful suburban house. It's not that things are bad. It's not really anything in particular. It's everything and nothing that can really be identified. It's just that I am tired.

Being a mother in the DFW area is a truly emotionally difficult thing. Money is being thrown around everywhere. Does your child have the iPad, the iPhone, Miss Me jeans, the right shoes, and on and on? Is your child enrolled in enough activities? Is he/she the best at baseball, soccer, girl/boy scouts, 4-H, music, school and on and on? Most of the mom's that you meet at the play ground wear their busyness on their sleeve as a badge of honor. Oh, I am just so busy. Little *insert name* here is doing blah, blah, blah, blah. Well I don't want to be busy. I don't want to wear busyness as a badge of honor. I want to relax. I want to enjoy my children and them not be exhausted. But we keep getting sucked in. So in so does this, I want to do this or have this. If I say no, there is a tantrum, and I once again am the 'mean ol' mommy' that "never let's them do anything." Fine. I am an awful, mean mommy.

Oh, you homeschool? Are they really learning? Are they socialized enough? Judgement. It's not like I am not second guessing myself all the time anyway. Am I doing the right thing? Do we have the right curriculum? Are they 'learning' enough? Would they be better off in school like the other 90-95% of the population? Who knows? Brooke has been struggling lately with her concentration issues again. She gets frustrated and mad at me. The ever repeated, "I don't know." I try to be patient. I know it is hard for her to stay on task and not day dream. I know it is hard for her to do things that she "doesn't want to do." We have to complete it. We have to learn something today. Mommy raises her voice. Once again, mean ol' mommy. Mommy isn't patient enough.

So, mommy started a business. I needed something that was just mine. That I did for me and not for my kids. It was a hard transition leaving the business world and 'just being a mom.' I needed something to keep me sane. But it is harder than I expected. I feel guilty being away from the kids all day Fridays or going and making a call during lunch while Clare is napping or asking hubby to watch the kids. When I quit work, the kids became my job and I feel like I'm not doing it. Not to mention that I am not making any money yet, only spending it. Mean ol' mommy.

I think it is just that there is so much pressure, so much doubt. When I worked, I hated the way I was always in a rush and didn't get enough time with my kiddos, BUT I knew I was doing a good job. I had instant feedback. As a mom, you don't get any real positive feedback. You get hugs and kisses and poop, but there isn't any assurance that you are actually doing the right/good thing. You are constantly barraged with society that doubts you, kids that are mad at you, somebody needs you, etc.

Oh, I know that I chose this, so I have absolutely no right to complain. AND I honestly do love it (most days.) It's just that I am tired. I want to live my life a certain way. A calm, loving, non-materialistic way and it seems almost impossible. Like I am swimming against the current... I miss the slower pace of Oregon. It wasn't the competitive sport that raising kids in DFW is. Recycling, environmentalism, joy was more a way of life. Oh, there were other struggles, don't get me wrong. I don't miss not being around my family. For that reason, I love being back home.

So, as I look on this birthday, I wonder if I am doing the right thing? I wonder if I am who I want to be or am at least on a trajectory to that place. I wonder what happened to my joy and why it seems to be being drown out by all the questions and busyness of DFW. I wonder how to get it back on track and feel confident in the choices that I am making. I wonder how to stare down 40 and Brooke in double digits and maintain the love and friendship of this 14 year marriage and have more fun and save money now that we are out of debt and how to stop wondering and just get on with living in my life in profound joy.

Don't worry, I am fine and like I said most days I am good. I am however allowing myself to be melancholy and sad today. I am allowing myself to throw a fit and pout. It is after all my day.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Concentration Jewels

I haven't posted in quite some time and have a ton of catch up to do, but I am really excited about our concentration jewels. Everyone loves them, even Clare. I haven't been 'practicing' Imagination Yoga with my kiddos as much as I should. You would think that I would make them do it all the time considering how much I believe in it. The whole reason that I am doing this whole thing is to help children and spread kindness, calmness, love, and peace. Somehow, I just never find the time to do it with my own babies. I decided this week to try to change that and have been so successful!

Brooke just loves it and would do yoga with me for hours. It is really good for her too as she has terrible trouble concentrating and staying on task. She is as smart as a whip, but her mind wanders so easily.

Caleb begrudgingly does it with me, at least to start with. After all the grumbles and do we have too's, he gets into it midway through. He particularly liked the concentration jewels. After he got up from his jewels today he commented on how is brain felt better.

Clare, oh my sweet Clare, is ADORABLE!!! She sits down on the mat all throughout the day (not just when I am doing it with Brooke and Caleb) and takes her little breaths. I tried to get a picture, but the iPhone will not allow it. She moves way too fast. I'll have to get the good camera out. She absolutely loved the concentration jewels and was so impressed with herself. I honestly cannot count the number of times today she got her stone and went and laid down.

something is horsey around here

Some girls like their hair done. Some girls want stories read to them. Some girls want to talk constantly. What does my girl want to do with her 20 minutes of alone time? You guessed it shop the brand spanking new Dover catalog!

We spent the evening pouring over the latest bridles, saddle pads, and blankets. We discussed whether or not the cheapest item is actually the best item and what she absolutely needs soon.

I am amazed by how intuitively smart she is when it comes to most things. As we were reviewing the saddle pads and comparing, her eye was caught by one that had a 'free' human jacket to go with it. After reviewing it for a while, she says, "Look, they are just tricking you. They just say that to get more money out of you." I was a bit taken aback by her clever understanding of the situation. She never ceases to amaze me.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Clare - almost 15 months

The ducks in the front yard quickly turned into me just taking pictures of Clare. I never did get professional pictures taken for her first birthday and here she is almost 15 months old. Such is the life of the third born. (For the record, I still haven't made her baby book either.) I hope from these pictures you are able to see her personality. She loves attention and knows how to get it. She is usually smiling, but has picked up a nasty little habit of saying "no." Actually, she doesn't just say "no," she forcefully uses the word as well as body language to ensure that you are not confused as to her wishes. Should you choose to not heed her warning, be prepared to witness a fit of the first order. (Maybe there is something to the red head temper thing???) She is also amazingly sweet. She gives kisses and loves animals. You should see her kiss socks kitty. Clare also has a ton of new words..."love you," "thank you," "night night," "blanket," and "milk" are a few of them. Rest assured she with get her point across with words or with one of those lovely fits we were just discussing. Anyway, here is my Clare bear....

Fine! I will throw it for the ducks.

No. I actually HATE Frosty and will not take my picture with him.

This is as close as I will get to that evil blow up creature.

I am not scared of anything. Again, Again, but higher this time.

Ducks in the front yard

During our afternoon outside, we were visited by a gaggle of ducks. It is a typical day to go feed the ducks at the pond, but this is the first time we had them come to the house. They started off eating the acorns, but that very quickly turned into the rest of the cheerios, most of the honey chex, and some bread. Clare loved it. She was throwing cheerios and chex until she realized that they were yummy. Then she started picking them up out of the grass and off the sidewalk before the ducks did. The ducks were so tame that they let the big kids touch them.