I'm sure that actually being 'real' and writing my feelings is a bad thing which will haunt me. However, this is my blog and I guess if people don't like it don't read it. I am tired. I am tired of putting on the brave, happy face. I am tired of pretending that everything is hunky dory in my beautiful suburban house. It's not that things are bad. It's not really anything in particular. It's everything and nothing that can really be identified. It's just that I am tired.
Being a mother in the DFW area is a truly emotionally difficult thing. Money is being thrown around everywhere. Does your child have the iPad, the iPhone, Miss Me jeans, the right shoes, and on and on? Is your child enrolled in enough activities? Is he/she the best at baseball, soccer, girl/boy scouts, 4-H, music, school and on and on? Most of the mom's that you meet at the play ground wear their busyness on their sleeve as a badge of honor. Oh, I am just so busy. Little *insert name* here is doing blah, blah, blah, blah. Well I don't want to be busy. I don't want to wear busyness as a badge of honor. I want to relax. I want to enjoy my children and them not be exhausted. But we keep getting sucked in. So in so does this, I want to do this or have this. If I say no, there is a tantrum, and I once again am the 'mean ol' mommy' that "never let's them do anything." Fine. I am an awful, mean mommy.
Oh, you homeschool? Are they really learning? Are they socialized enough? Judgement. It's not like I am not second guessing myself all the time anyway. Am I doing the right thing? Do we have the right curriculum? Are they 'learning' enough? Would they be better off in school like the other 90-95% of the population? Who knows? Brooke has been struggling lately with her concentration issues again. She gets frustrated and mad at me. The ever repeated, "I don't know." I try to be patient. I know it is hard for her to stay on task and not day dream. I know it is hard for her to do things that she "doesn't want to do." We have to complete it. We have to learn something today. Mommy raises her voice. Once again, mean ol' mommy. Mommy isn't patient enough.
So, mommy started a business. I needed something that was just mine. That I did for me and not for my kids. It was a hard transition leaving the business world and 'just being a mom.' I needed something to keep me sane. But it is harder than I expected. I feel guilty being away from the kids all day Fridays or going and making a call during lunch while Clare is napping or asking hubby to watch the kids. When I quit work, the kids became my job and I feel like I'm not doing it. Not to mention that I am not making any money yet, only spending it. Mean ol' mommy.
I think it is just that there is so much pressure, so much doubt. When I worked, I hated the way I was always in a rush and didn't get enough time with my kiddos, BUT I knew I was doing a good job. I had instant feedback. As a mom, you don't get any real positive feedback. You get hugs and kisses and poop, but there isn't any assurance that you are actually doing the right/good thing. You are constantly barraged with society that doubts you, kids that are mad at you, somebody needs you, etc.
Oh, I know that I chose this, so I have absolutely no right to complain. AND I honestly do love it (most days.) It's just that I am tired. I want to live my life a certain way. A calm, loving, non-materialistic way and it seems almost impossible. Like I am swimming against the current... I miss the slower pace of Oregon. It wasn't the competitive sport that raising kids in DFW is. Recycling, environmentalism, joy was more a way of life. Oh, there were other struggles, don't get me wrong. I don't miss not being around my family. For that reason, I love being back home.
So, as I look on this birthday, I wonder if I am doing the right thing? I wonder if I am who I want to be or am at least on a trajectory to that place. I wonder what happened to my joy and why it seems to be being drown out by all the questions and busyness of DFW. I wonder how to get it back on track and feel confident in the choices that I am making. I wonder how to stare down 40 and Brooke in double digits and maintain the love and friendship of this 14 year marriage and have more fun and save money now that we are out of debt and how to stop wondering and just get on with living in my life in profound joy.
Don't worry, I am fine and like I said most days I am good. I am however allowing myself to be melancholy and sad today. I am allowing myself to throw a fit and pout. It is after all my day.
